January 21, 2007
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When my son was arrested and sent to prison for 18 months for possession on marijuana and intent to distribute, I started this blog. I started it because I was afraid and alone and angry.
It wasn't that I didn't have anyone around me, I did. And it wasn't that they didn't care or that we didn't talk, we did. My family and I talked a lot, and it helped, but the raw pain that I felt, the insecurity, the fear that this was some how my fault, that I had some how let him down, let my family down, was something that only I knew, something I could only share very surfacely with those I loved the most.
And to those outside of my family circle, those I worked with or ordered coffee from or saw only occasionally, those people knew nothing, or very little, of what I was feeling as a mother of a son who I rarely called into being through general conversation. Those people never knew that they were talking to a mom whose son was a convict. They never knew that they knew someone who visited a prison every weekend. They never knew.
I had an invisible son. I wanted him to be invisible in those moments of general conversation almost as much as I wanted to have him home with me, with us, in all of the other moments.
Why, though? Why do we as moms feel so responsible for the broken dreams, for the drift from the normal?
That is where I am now.
I want to know why we create this invisibility, what stigmas and power structures are in play, and how we can make our voices heard so that others might not feel so very alone.
And so I will blog it through, here, with all of you.
Comments (14)
Even though I cannot fathom the depth of what you felt during that time, I somewhat know what you mean.
Although the only thing my son did was drop out of college, I feel myself holding back from mentioning it. Although I've blogged about it, I realized at my cousin's funeral that I hadn't even told my family and friends yet. While I didn't feel I was hiding anything, I guess in a way I was.
My Brother spent years in and out of a mental hospital and I tried to keep it a secret. I'm proud of my Brother so I don't know what it was...I'll be interested to read your thoughts and feelings here.
on initial thought ..i think we think people can be judgemental.
i worry about my son
alot
most dont know
only those closest
sheilds up
your voice has helped me so much...
thank you
We're here for you.
I think you have been amazing through this time. I think Moms hide it because they fear their parenting will be judged because of mistakes their kids have made - And that is sooooooooo not true and not fair. You are an AMAZING mother. You have stood by his side and you have brought into this world a wonderful son - We all make mistakes and he has paid his dues for them.
You have taught other mothers like myself so very much - Words are too small to tell you how your blog has touched our hearts
Good question....I'll stick around while you find the answer!
love and light
t
Good question....I'll stick around while you find the answer!
love and light
t
sometimes i try to make myself invisible. but i've never tried to make anyone else invisible. maybe i'm just worried about people judging me.
one day, when i become a mum, i hope that i'm as good a one as you appear to be. your children are very lucky to have you. and you're very lucky to have them too.
maybe it is a middle/ class educated class thing to put a stigma on jail time. At several elementary schools I have worked at the students there talk freely about their parents and relatives being in jail. IT was shocking to me to find out that every classroom had one or more students whose mother or father was in jail. It is part of the culture of this group of people. It is a large segment of our population too. It scares me greatly. Briing back the stigma I say.
This post really struck a chord in me. I understand the invisibility. There are so many times I prayed people wouldn't ask me about my children, as they were describing theirs. I make myself invisible then, to avoid the subject.
As noted you are asking a good question. It goes straight to the heart of what we think we should be able to do ,and what we think others think mothers in general can do.I wish it were not so because I think a lot of people struggle with issues related to the choices their children make that have nothing to do with parenting.People raised by disinterested parents sometimes accomplish wonderful things ,and the opposite is true as well.I have a close friend who has a son who has been arrested repeatedly for drugs. She is a gentle but strong mother .and a teacher. I have always been impressed by her relentless efforts on his behalf. My thought is that is is not the choices our children make that reflect upon us ,but how react to them that is the true test of parenting.Your son for example has a good reason to turn his life around besides his daughter ,and that is that he knows you have hope for his future.
maybe we dont want others to think that we failed in the way we bought up our children even though it is the child that has made the wrong choices
I think we do what helps us get by. Don't beat yourself up about it honey. I will say that one thing I do like about today's openess is that people are more accepting in general. Or so it seems.
maybe we dont want others to think that we failed in the way we bought up our children even though it is the child that has made the wrong choices
Posted 1/22/2007 1:03 AM by Myst
I agree with her ^^
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