January 27, 2007

  • I looked into his eyes as he spoke, and I listened, really listened, for perhaps the first time ever.

    "He is a man," I thought. "Listen. He is really a man."

    And, though I had noticed the deep voice and the beard stubble and the muscles and the movements, it was only in that moment of true listening that he became a man.

    "Why?" I wondered to myself later. "Why now? Why after 14 months of being with this 24-year-old being is he suddenly appearing before me as a man?"

    I'm not sure I can answer that, yet, but I do know that I never want to think of him as a child again. I am ready for our relationship to move to the next level. I am ready to let him fly.

    And he is ready.

    I knew it when he spoke of his options for moving out - and of the ways he would care for his daughter when he did so. He didn't look for my okay. He knew my okay didn't matter anymore. He only looked for my support and understanding. Perhaps that's the difference. When he was looking in my eyes, and talking, he wasn't trying to convince me as he had done in the past. There were no "I don't know" answers or "Whatever" responses. He was sure and confident in his speech.

    I am still afraid. That may not change for many years to come. But I am sure. And it is time. 

    Today, my son is the man that he needs to be to make his way in this world. And today, I am the mom who can swallow her fear and let him go.   

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