Two years old July second.

And we have missed so much.

The simple things

like

kisses good night,

morning smiles,

and playing babies.

Her other grandma will bring her to Virginia for her birthday. We will be there for several days. It isn't the same, though, when someone is looking over your shoulder constantly, demanding that things be done their way or no way, never allowing you to take her out of their sight.

No. It isn't the same, but it will do. For now.

I had to have a break today. After all, it is a long weekend. My students will understand why their reports remain unopened on my computer, why their discussion posts are still unread, why I am ignoring their emails. Right?

I had to take a few minutes to float around Xangaland, to read the words of others, to escape into this realm of relaxation.

Your words help my words to come together, to combine to make sentences, to tell tales. For that, I am thankful.

Today, in my wanderings, I found the following truisms, thoughts, questions to ponder, and words of wisdom:

From Rosebudsinwyo: “God bless mothers, for they understand what pain is… Pain is giving birth and then watching your heart walk around outside your body for the rest of your life.”

From Isismoon: "Religion is like a used car, you have to be very careful what you buy."

From PlanetDream: "Friends with no faces can be extremely handy in the middle of the night."

And from josaju: "Why is it that we humans have such a tendency to underestimate creatures other than ourselves?"

HAPPY LONG WEEKEND TO ONE AND ALL!

Nic got his license on Wednesday. You went with us, reminding your brother that they didn't want to fail him, that he just needed to breathe, to think calmly.

"You're a good driver," you said. "Just drive like you've been driving, bro. You got this."

Brave words from the brother who then peeked out the window when Nic and the tester headed for the car; brave words from the brother who paced to the window and then the door, watching, waiting; brave words from the brother who grinned as big as if he himself had just been given a license when Nic pulled back into the parking lot. "He got it mom. He's smiling and laughing. I know he got it!"

And so he did. The second to last of the children to do so. Only Eli remains. 

And so starts another chapter in our life....................

I love my mother.

I do.

It's just that she is so very different than my family in the way she thinks, acts, responds, speaks.

It's just that she is against all of the freedoms I believe in (as in freedom for EVERYONE to be who they are, to marry in any combination they see fit - female/female, black/white, male/female, white/white, Asian/white... - to live together if marriage isn't the answer, to have as many animals as they can afford, to raise their children to be strong and independent). The list goes on and on.

It's just that it was easier when we weren't spending the weekend looking for a house close to my own house, a house where she will live for years to come, a house where I will have to visit more than once every couple of months.

It's just that this morning, I am feeling selfish, and I want to not watch what I say, I want to let the dog roam the house, I want to let my childrens' friends come and go as they wish, and I want to go back to sleep instead of getting out of bed on her schedule.........

I love her.

I really, really do.

First court date is set --

JUNE 8, 2006.

This will set the tone for the rest of the custody "battle" (for lack of a better word). Robert will not fly to NY for this hearing. His lawyer will be there, and he will phone in. All involved parties have been served and should also be there. I know the grandmother will be. Who knows about the mother, though. She is pregnant again and facing other charges of assault.

Robert is going to be a good daddy.

He is scheduled to begin a parenting class in July. Anyone have any other tips for him?

MAY 11th

On May 11, 2004, you were hanging with the wrong crowd, avoiding your family, being evasive when we spoke.

On May 11, 2004, I didn't know how much trouble you were already in, didn't know that we would be visiting you in prison, but I sensed it, felt it, knew as only a parent can know.

On May 11, 2005, we were a year into your sentence, and I was less than hopeful. My blogs spoke of seeing you in new settings, settings that were all hard, and cold, and dead, settings that your grandmother refused to be a part of, settings that brought only the slightest bits of comfort to families torn apart.

But this year, this year on May 11th, you were home, with us, celebrating the 16th birthday of your little brother. And I watched, every move, every smile, and I listened to every word, every laugh.

And, as thankful as I was, I also remembered what it is still like for so many other moms, so many other sisters and brothers, so many other grandmas, and I felt sorrow in my joy and pain in my ecstasy.

For each of them, for a moment, when I was alone, I cried and remembered and hoped that each of them would someday know the joy of watching their baby boy turn 16 with his big brother by his side.

Yesterday, while we were in the movie theatre, Robert sent us this text message from work:

"somethin went down and somethin is up."

Could he be any more vague????

"R U hurt?" we texted back.

"not at all."

"ok. we will call u soon."

We called, and ..................

Our boy is now a kitchen manager at Cheeburger, Cheeburger!

He was promoted.

This job has been such a positive one. He has met several friends who don't smoke or drink, he has received a steady paycheck, and now this.

For the love of a child

They hadn't spoke in several weeks, the two of them, two grandmas stubborn beyond belief.

She wasn't sure why, or exactly what started it, but she knew she wasn't going to be the first to give in, the first to admit that they needed each other. She thought about it a lot, though. Too much. She missed the pictures sent directly to her, the updates on every new thing that her granddaughter did, the talks about the future of Destiny.

Maybe, subconsciously, she knew that the generic email sent with a picture of her son and his new dog would create a chain-reaction. Perhaps she really just wanted to send her granddaughter a picture of her daddy at play, a picture that shows his sweeter side.

Whichever.

The result was wonderful.

The grandmas are talking again, and pictures are in her mailbox again.............

THERE'S A NEW GIRL IN ROBERT'S LIFE, AND HER NAME IS MADELINE, MADDIE, FOR SHORT.

SHE IS A LAB MIX, 12 WEEKS OLD - A RESCUE. PERFECT FOR A YOUNG MAN WHO KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO FEEL SCARED AND ALONE.

OF COURSE, OUR 14-YEAR-OLD ALPHA FEMALE, ROXIE, ISN'T YET SURE THAT SHE APPROVES.

WE HAD TO EXPLAIN TO HER THAT THIS WAS INDEED A DOG, EVEN THOUGH IT ACTED GOOFY AND DIDN'T FOLLOW DIRECTIONS AT ALL.